County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
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