How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
"Just one hot chick."
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Where my prose at?
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
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