"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Can I claim your baggage?
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
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