How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
You're acute Valentine.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
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