Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
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