"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
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