"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
You're one in a melon.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
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