If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Witch you were here.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Don't even chai.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
"Time wounds all heels."
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
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