Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
It's always a first class trip with me.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
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