What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Do you squat here often?
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
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