Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Best in snow.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
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