How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.

What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.

What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.

Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.

Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!

To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.

What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.

What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!

My feelings for you are Mont-real.

What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton

What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.

I can get you off the Naughty List.

Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?

Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!

One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."

What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.

Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.

How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.

Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown

Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.

“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.

Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus

My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!

Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.

"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!