Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
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