I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
You snow the drill.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
How was heaven when you left it?
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
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