If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
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