Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
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