"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’.

Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.

What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.

Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!

I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.

Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.

What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

- Richard Jeni

Best in snow.

What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.

What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.

You can toast my marshmallows anytime.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.

When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.

The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.

You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.

My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.

Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!

I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.

I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.

Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.

“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown

What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.

Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.

"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus

Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.

Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no

What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon

How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.