How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
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