What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Icy what you did there!
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Birch, please.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Up to snow good.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
All you need is MY love
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
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