How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
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