"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
I pitcher us together forever.
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