“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
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