“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
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