How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
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