"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
I have the final sleigh.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
I dreamt about you. You died.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
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