A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Let’s put our tulips together.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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