What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
You're my purr-son.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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