I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!

What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous

Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.

You are spud-tacular.

If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?

I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."

What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."

- Ray Romano

What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.

“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”

What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.

“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”

Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.

My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.

That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.

"You deserve better and so do I."

"Love is sharing your popcorn."

- Charles Schultz.

My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.

Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.

What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.

Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.

Your good weed for the day.

My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!

“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.

What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.

Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller

I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.

Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.

What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.

Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.

Dust is a disk's worst enemy.

The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.