Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Goat milk?
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
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