I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How Rudolf you to say that!
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
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