What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Can I hold your hand?
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
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