The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
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