I tried to catch the fog.

But I mist.

You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.

Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.

How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

My feelings for you are Mont-real.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.

What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.

Football is one habit I will never kick

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!

What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.

What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix

My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.

I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.

To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.

Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis

Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?

What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.

A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.

What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!

I scored when I met you.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"

"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.

How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.

How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns

"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain

Are you a model?

Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.