"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
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