What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Do you like free samples?
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
I love all of your stratified layers!
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Trowel and error.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
Go to BabaMail
