What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Who’s your paddy?
Honestly, I really lilac you.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
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