What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Don't fork-get your manners.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
when I’m with you.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
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