What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
When are you due back in heaven?
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
I have the final sleigh.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
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