Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
That was thaw-some!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
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