What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
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