Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Live to tell the tail.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
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