What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Don’t be elfish.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
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