What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
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