You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Treat yo shelves.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
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