How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
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