You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
"You can't beat me."
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
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