Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
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