How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
I Wanna Be Your Man
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
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