I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Join us for a slice of fun.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
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