What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
I want you. I knead you.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
All you need is MY love
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
You knead me in your loaf.
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