The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.

Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.

There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.

"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!

Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.

I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.

What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.

What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!

If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.

Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.

Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.

Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.

Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.

Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.

What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.

What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”

“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.

Drink happy thoughts.

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”

- Colette.

What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!

What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.

You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law

Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!

Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.

I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.

Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.

The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.

What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

- Douglas Adams.

"Bone to be wild."

In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!