Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
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