“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”

- Marshall McLuhan.

What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.

What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.

My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.

I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West

How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.

“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”

When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."

Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.

What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light

What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist

"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."

Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.

I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde

What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.

What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan

"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard

New electric trains will run on conductors.

"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.

"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.

"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore

Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens

What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.

Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.

What happens if you break the brain scanner?

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.

What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.

Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.

What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.

Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.

I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.