Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
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