What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
"Back that glass up."
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
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