Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
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