Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
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