The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Football is one habit I will never kick
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
I like you, you croc my world.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
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