I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
It's ice to meet you.
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