Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.

"You bake me crazy."

Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."

What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.

"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.

What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.

Your beauty is blinding.

Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.

During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.

Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!

I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.

What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.

To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.

Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.

The temperature can only go up from here.

What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.

Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section

When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.

Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.

Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!

What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!

You’re Isaacly my type

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.

Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.

What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.

You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.

Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.

What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!

While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."