"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Composers always score.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
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