With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
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