You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Go to BabaMail
