All you need is a little vitamin sea.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
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