Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Salty but sweet.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
It's lit.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Gold riddance.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
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