"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
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