BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
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