Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Shell-abrate the good times!
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
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