Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
"Some bunny needs vodka."
I think therefore I yam.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What is your favorite yoga pose?
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
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