“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous

I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.

"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton

The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!

Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.

I think you’re dandelion.

When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.

“Every mile is two in winter.”

What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.

Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!

What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!

What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.

Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.

What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.

Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?

“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown

Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.

Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.

“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.

Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.

How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

- Nia Vardalos.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.

How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.

Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit

Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.

I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.

What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.