Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Hello Boo-tiful.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
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