My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
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