What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
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