I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
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