“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Keep calm and leprech-on.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
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