I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
You look a lot like my next victim.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
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