If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
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