did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.

Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.

The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.

I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.

"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore

What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.

What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.

As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.

I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.

You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.

Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.

What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.

I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"

What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.

It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Justin time to give you a kiss.

“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote

The sound of my bones really cracks me up.

I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.

What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.

What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends

You should see what I can do with ice.

What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

"Some people have no guts."

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

- Bob Hope

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!

A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.