“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
It’s a winterful day!
Don’t be elfish.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Go to BabaMail
