I bought a boat because it was for sail.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
Baby, you rock my world!
Would you like to share fire with me?
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
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