Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
The best stretches are partner stretches.
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