"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale

Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.

"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong

Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.

I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"

Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.

What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don

What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!

“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous

I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!

Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.

What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.

What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons

How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.

My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.

What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.

Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.

What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.

In space, no one can hear us scream.

My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.

"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant

How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”

Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.

Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.

Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!

“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”

- Bill Vaughan.

I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.

Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”

I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.

Promise you won’t Char-leave?