I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
The snuggle is real.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Go to BabaMail
