How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Treat yo shelves.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
I think you’re dandelion.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Cutest clover in the patch.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
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