“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
"Say you'll be wine."
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
"You can't sip with us."
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Sip, sip, horray!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
You just caused a heat wave.
Girls just wanna have sun!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
I think you're mer-mazing.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
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