I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
"Having a good hare day."
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Something’s goat to give.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
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