“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."

What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!

Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!

Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.

What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.

I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.

I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.

What do you call a male witch?
Mitch

During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.

Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.

Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns

What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.

What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!

What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

When God made you, he was just showing off.

Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.

What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!

What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.

Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.

I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.

Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.

How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!

“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”

- Doris Day.

I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.

Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry